I’m not entirely sure what frame of mind I should be in as I pen this post. A great deal has changed in recent months, all happening so swiftly and in ways I could never have foreseen.
I lost a relationship that, initially, I didn’t hold in high regard, but as time passed, I began to believe we could build a future together. It was about a year ago when I started to envisage this person in my future plans, and that’s when things began to unravel. I knew precisely what was happening; it was the typical scenario of someone in a long-distance relationship being swayed by someone else closer to home. But I also knew that there was nothing I could do at the time, as any confrontation or intervention might have hastened the end of the relationship.
All I could do was tolerate, which, in retrospect, was a naïve mistake. I should have expressed my irritation when this person began to distance themselves. I should have set clear boundaries and never allowed them the opportunity to hurt me. In the end, my tolerance only led to endless compromise, allowing them to behave in ways that became increasingly unacceptable to me over the year.
I was well aware that this person’s love for me had faded almost a year before we finally broke up. I also knew that their reluctance to officially end things wasn’t because there was still love between us, but because they hadn’t yet found someone better. For a long time, this person refused to communicate with me, and was hesitant to go on dates, or even to make a phone call. I was merely pretending that we still loved each other.
I’ve always had a rather unfortunate habit. Whenever I pose questions to my partner about issues that could threaten the very existence of our relationship, I’m not merely inquiring; I’m conducting an audit. Moreover, whenever I lay bare the answers or evidence before them, I’m not seeking any explanation or validation; I’m issuing a strong warning that I hate being deceived and should never be taken for a fool. And that I am on the verge of leaving.
Intriguingly, despite everything that has happened, I have never harboured any resentment towards this person. There was a time when I witnessed their austerity and pure love, a memory that remains invaluable to me from my days in Neihu, Taipei.
Whenever my friends approach me seeking advice on relationship matters, particularly regarding self-healing after a breakup, I don’t encourage them to harbour hatred towards their ex. Such an approach only provides temporary emotional relief. Instead, I always urge them to reflect on the precise reasons that led to the end of their relationship. This helps them to recognise the fundamental differences in personal characteristics between themselves and their former partner.
From my limited experience, which seems to resonate with many, one can truly move past the trauma of a breakup only when they have thoroughly and clearly understood the inherent differences between themselves and the one who has parted ways. This disparity can manifest in various ways, one being how an individual responds to challenges in a relationship, particularly when the initial chemistry and passion have faded.
If we have exhausted countless efforts to salvage the relationship, even compromising our boundaries, while our partner continues to engage in behaviours that threaten its very foundation, such as avoiding communication, cheating, deceiving, or ghosting, then this key difference serves as a stark reminder of the toxicity of our love.
This relationship taught me a valuable lesson: a healthy and mature relationship must be built on mutual trust and effective communication. It sounds like just another cliché, doesn’t it? But trust me, it’s far more challenging than you could ever imagine.
I’m not blaming anyone, not even the person who hurt me so deeply, for my own immaturity. I’m just weary of being ignored and ghosted for almost a year. But thankfully, I felt an immediate sense of relief when the relationship ended, as I realised that I no longer had to endure this person’s ghosting. Also, I no longer need to expend energy delving into unanswered questions that never yield definitive answers.
